"You can love Etsy shops and cupcakes and also be a med student in the middle of her residency."
- Elizabeth Morrow at Delightfully Tacky
Last night, after everyone had gone to bed, I was sitting at the kitchen counter, absorbing the silence and reading the autumn edition of Artful Blogging. I had my feet kicked up on the stool beside me, flipping page by page reading the testimonials of other bloggers, taking in all of their beautiful photos when one page stopped me in my tracks. I literally kicked my feet off the stool, sat straight up like a grunt at basic training camp, and said out loud, "Oh my gosh. Yes! She gets it. Thank. Goodness." It was as though I were waiting on news from a doctor informing me that my family member would be ok, except Elizabeth was the doctor and the news was that it's ok for me to be a pharmacy student and be an artist of sorts.
For any readers out there, it's obvious that I usually do posts with recipes, paintings, crafts, various photos that I take, etc. For the most part, I'm a very private person. I don't like to divulge too much information about myself to others that I'm not extremely close with. Why? Fear of scrutiny. I think many of us struggle with this.
Some may think, "Well that's dumb. You don't want to share a lot about yourself? Hellooo?? You're putting everything on a blog. On the internet." That is true. I am doing that. What I haven't been doing (up to this point) is sharing personal things. Intimate things about myself. I'm not going all 13 year-old doodled-all-over-diary on you, but I will be sharing more. More thoughts. More feelings. More opinions.
With that being said, I feel like I'm losing grip. How come? Exactly one month from today I will be packing my book bag, my lunchbox, pulling out lab value books, picking out an outfit, entering things into my iCalendar (crossing my fingers that iCloud doesn't fail me), and exhaling - because the next morning I will be heading to class to complete my final didactic year of pharmacy school course work. I have never felt so many emotions. I'm apprehensive, nervous, and anxious. I've been looking forward to this year for so long. This is the last year that I will have to sit in a classroom everyday. It's bittersweet really, but at the same time, nerve wracking.
I feel as though I'm losing grip because pharmacy school is hard. No bones about it. I'm okay with hard. I'm okay with really, really hard. I'm not okay with something completely overtaking my life. I've struggled with this since day one of pharmacy school. I like my free time. My "me time." Time to do what I want, when I want to. Maybe this sounds selfish. Maybe it is. Pharmacy school has been nothing short of major adjustments. Adjustments in my study methods, adjustments with my time management, sleep adjustments - all things I thought I had mastered in undergrad. Boy was I wrong. The adjustments I had made were perfect for undergrad, but were in no way fit for pharmacy school.
All summer (besides completing my required three week rotation at another hospital) I've worked, come home in the evenings, watched my reality TV (yes, I'm a sucker for it), painted, crafted, sewn, and more. On the weekends I've traveled, painted, crafted, sewn, taken photos, lots and lots of photos, and had sushi and fro-yo dates with one of my best girlfriends. Why? Because I could.
Pharmacy school is kind of like a meeting with a nagging boss. You aren't ever looking forward to the meeting. You dread it really. Then the meeting comes. You sit through it. You get it over with. The meeting is finally over. You're done. Back to life. Back to reality (did anyone just sing that song to themselves haha). Back to your comfort zone.
I haven't really ever had a nagging boss, but I suppose you could also equate this to holidays with certain family members, your children getting out of school for the summer, or flying on a plane. Maybe not so much dreading your children getting out of school for the summer, rather the thought of, "What are we going to do all summer so we don't drive each other up the walls?" You get the point I'm trying to make.
The funny part about all of it is that there's literally a night and day difference within me.
Day: Put on my business casual attire, drive to one of the best teaching hospitals on the East Coast/top hospital in the state of Virginia, arrive at work, then do my thang. I utilize the tools that I have been taught in and out of the classroom, the knowledge that I have gained while working at Wal-Mart and Ukrops (a long-standing Virginia comfort now known as Martin's), as well at this top hospital. I page doctors and nurses regarding their patients' prescriptions, change doses, recommend alternative therapies for conditions that many students my age have only read about. For all of these things I am truly blessed and fortunate.
Night: I drive home from the hospital. I make it home and put on my most comfortable, worn-in WVU football t-shirt, yoga pants, and UGG slippers. I tie my hair back. I walk to the kitchen where I decide which project I will pick up that I left off on from the previous evening, or which of my reality TV shows I must watch rather than DVR, or I cook. I decide. All of the day's stresses, trials, tribulations, and anxiety wash away. I work for a few hours using my God-given talents and abilities to create things, mostly for others, with all the love I have in my heart. You have no idea how much it over joys me to make things for others. Then I hit the hay.
I do this everyday. I have done this everyday since May. This is why I feel as though I'm losing grip. Losing touch with things that I love so much. Things that I won't get to just pick up at leisure once school starts because once school starts back, what is leisure?
Anything worth having requires work, and I'm no stranger to that. I just have to suck it up. I have asked myself, why is this summer different than the rest? I've summed it up as being the last summer in which I really have the freedoms to do whatever I want. Last summer I worked a lot, worked lots of overtime, worked for people that needed time off, etc. I viewed it as making a little extra money. This summer - my last summer - my mentality changed. I've spent quality time with friends and family, spent time making things, cooking things, eating things. All things that I enjoy. I can make money for the rest of my life. Why not use the time that I have as a young, fit adult and just soak it all in and enjoy life to the fullest?
Let me get back to Elizabeth's statement. The point is, is that even though I have invested a great deal of time and energy with my schooling, my daytime person makes me tick in a different way than my nighttime person. I love science and learning, especially about the human body and how resilient it is. My nighttime person completes me. It is the side you see on this blog.
My daytime person can be a med pharmacy student. My nighttime person can scroll through pages of creative Etsy shops, adding things to my cart that I long to have. She can love cupcakes and have an entire Pinterest board devoted to them. Elizabeth - Thank you for recognizing this and other things with your inspiring and heartfelt words.
My daytime person is what I do. My nighttime person is who I am.
-Suze
O! And one more thing! Another very creative girlie (that I've had the pleasure of meeting) is featured in this same edition of Artful Blogging - Becky over at Farmgirl Paints. Woohoo. How exciting is that?
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